i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
