She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
