You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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