last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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