So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
