A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
