Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
