I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize