Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
