Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize