I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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