"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
