he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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