he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
