Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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