stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
