Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
