you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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