yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
