somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
