he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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