I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
