i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize