never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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