I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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