I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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