Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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