Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you would pick up someone in the library
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
