I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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