hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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