Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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