I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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