I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
