im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
kristin has been a bad kristin
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
