Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
