I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Say something about gay babies.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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