In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
