you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
