Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
