Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
