I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
