Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
