so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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