I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
