So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
