he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
