Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
