dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
