I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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