oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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