at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
