Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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