MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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