i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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