i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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