You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
