While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
