Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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