I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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