3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize